Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
