There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
