textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
