I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
