Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
