I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
