remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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