You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
