Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is Oprah even human
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
