Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
