Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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