I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
