That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
