Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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