just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
