i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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