I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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