Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
be right there i have to get my cape
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
