apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
