walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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