guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
