They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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