So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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