I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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