Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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