Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
