Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
