Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
