birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
tell me about the fingering
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