it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
