If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
