Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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