he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
