I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
