I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
