well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
