Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
