I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
