i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
