he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
