We're facebook friends in real life
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
