I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
