her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
