after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
