We're like a lot better than the average bears
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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