there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
