My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
