why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
