My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
