I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
